Johnny B. Gone, Fortune’s Folly, and Dino-Chicken, All This & More In The Weekly Spread!

The music world, and the adoring public, lost a legend in Chuck Berry earlier this week. The rock n’ roll legend died on Saturday in his Missouri home. He passed away at the age of 90. In the midst of a breakout musical era, Berry charmed his audiences with pop anthems well into the later parts of his career, and influenced countless other musicians. Berry stayed active until the end, performing monthly in St. Louis until 2014. He announced his latest album, “Chuck” on his 90th birthday. The album will be released in June 2017. He’s duck walking with the angels now.  

In a confusing new-yet-ancient trend, Shaquille O’Neil is the latest NBA player to agree with the Middle Ages and purport that the earth is indeed flat. Chiming in with Cleveland Cavaliers’ Kyrie Irving’s flat earth declaration (it’s yet to be determined if Shac also agrees with Kyrie that Neil Armstrong’s footprints on the moon look suspiciously different than the shape of his boots), the retired basketball star and rapper apparently argued that his drives from Florida to California  (but not his flights from Tokyo to JFK?) are evidence enough to support a belief that the earth could not possibly be as round as everyone is telling us. Looks like the Flat Earth Society may have a couple new members joining the ranks.  

There are monsters among us. Exhibit A: this huge and terrifying chicken. This walking dinosaur is the stuff of Link’s nightmares. Classified as Brahma chicken, this breed cultivate in the US is now the horror-incarnate for many. Perhaps now we see why growth hormones and steroids for poultry could be going a bit too far. Do you even cluck, bro?

The annual World Happiness Report is out: Norway is number one for 2017, unseating 2016’s champion, Denmark, and winning out over neighboring countries; as well as New Zealand, Australia, and Canada. This puts us in-between Austria and Ireland. The study is based on data from the Gallup World Poll, which uses questions of a “best possible life” from a scale of 1 to 10 to score a country's GDP, life expectancy, and freedom (among other criteria). The scores are then used to define that country’s happiness. Interestingly enough, the USA is 41st in freedom.

Speaking of happiness, this little goldfish in San Antonio has just been given a new lease on life. After getting his own underwater wheelchair he’s now able to stay upright in the water despite his ‘flipover’ swim disease. We’re all crying little tears of joy for this little guy.

We’re also crying (from laughter!), for the Wheel of Fortune contestant who missed a fairly obvious (to most) puzzle earlier this week. On the board, letters already guessed, the puzzle read, “A Streetcare Na_ed Desire.” The contestant solved for “A Streetcar Naked Desire.” Do you hear that? That is the sound of millions screaming at their TV.  

If you’ve been feeling a little insecure about your social media presence and popularity, not to worry! Japan’s own, Family Romance has the answer for you. For $40 an hour (not including transportation or snackage) you can hire a fake friend to take those selfies with. No more lonely Snapchat stories for you. But it begs the question, if you have that kind of disposable income, why not spend it on curating your social image? Or you know, making real friends the old-fashioned way.

Ever want to be validated and creeped out at the same time? Yeah, us neither.